I don't read the news because it makes me feel sad and it makes me feel stuff i wasn't expecting. I don't know what it's going to be before I see it, so I can't predict how i'm going to react or if i'm going to be triggered by something. so I just avoid it.
Feels childish and inconvenient. Feels wilfully ignorant. I wish it wasn't like this. But a lot of the stuff recently, it feels targeted to me, and things I can understand, and it lacks that distance. The cost of living. it feels like I should not be allowed to enjoy things and I should be kept in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I am poor. They are telling me I should not allow myself to relax.
It feels like I have to pay attention to that, like it is a message to me and that i have to react. I feel similarly when I see something on social media, like someone doing something that I should be doing, or talking about an issue. It makes me feel like I have to be on edge all the time in case I have to figure out how I feel about something - or defend the way that I can't do everything other people can. When I see them being so confident on social media and I have to examine why I am not able to do the same thing. i know it's all an illusion but it's hard when you're not expecting it. Someone posts pictures of their kids on a day out and talks about how they've had a brilliant time and i have to question why I don't have the energy or money or time or confidence to do the same thing. Or they post a selfie and I don't understand why that is coming really easily to them.
It feels like surprises, and even if i'm not fully paying attention, the act of scrolling does some kind of background response and it lingers there for a really long time. I don't know why this happens to me and it's a thing that's got worse, or maybe I've noticed it more because when I stop I feel the difference. It's like I've been frowning all day and suddenly stop, or you realise you've been hunching your shoulders