When I started at senior school i felt a lot of things, some i remember clearly, some that are harder to talk about, to myself, in my head.
I remember, or i think, now I can see it again, one of the things i found the most overwhelming were the new subjects, or really, how everything was split out into topics, and they became real big things instead of things we did occasionally.
The ones i felt the most scared of were upstairs, on the top floor. it would wear me out to get to the top, it was three floors and they were big stone steps. the rooms on the top were art and music, and it always felt dark there because the light came in through big slanted windows, the ceilings were so high, but it didn't feel airy. it felt dark and stuffy and cobwebby. The little music practice rooms on the other side of the corridor felt claustrophobic, squished under the eaves, steps up to little cupboard with plinky pianos, and sloped ceilings. maybe i'm remembering wrong. once, in the room down the end of the corridor, we disappeared through a cupboard, up steps, to a forgotten storage room, drama costumes and bags and bags of fake snow.
I didnt like music. I didnt understand it. it wasn't fun like in primary, with bags of colourful instruments and everyone could sing. suddenly it was grey and boring and stressful. It was dark and I felt embarrased that I couldnt sing. but after a couple of weeks, we'd learnt this song in parts in our groups, and i wanted to show my mum what we'd done.
When i remember now, it's me watching it happen, like I would have watched on tv. I came into the kitchen to find my mum, she was there usually after school. but this time my dad had picked me up, and he'd taken me too, he didn't usually do that. he forgot to make my lunch. My mum had been sad and I thought it might cheer her up. the song said 'if one person believes in you', I thought she would like it. But she told me to go, and she started to cry. she didnt tell me why for a long time.