Recently, since I started writing about it, the blurts changed to "guysguysguysguysguys" and "it's okay and i'm okay", though the cadence and rhythm of that one changes in a way I can't get a hold of - but that's okay, sometimes the words run in to one and it sounds quite nice on a loop.
It's not entirely unexpected, every time I've tried to explain, or looked directly at them, they've changed form - I think new ones appear and other ones are dormant - I don't think the mum one will go away, but I don't feel the others quite so much, I don't say the ex's name any more (sometimes, very rare), a lot are very much less repetitive and overwhelming than they used to. It used to be like a constant whir and repeat in my head, but now it's more like, out loud. But it used to be fairly set phrases, and I could pretty much understand the meaning of them. Now it feels a little too much.
I don't know what's worse really. Sometimes now it's just a random word, I'm not sure why. It doesn't feel connected to a particular feeling so much. I'm finding I do it more and more in safe places, at home (not on my own though, with kids too now) or when I'm walking round town and I have headphones on, though that's a bit frightening and new. I haven't had it at work yet, I think.
I'm kind of unnerved that its becoming more out loud, but it does feel lighter than rolling over and over in my head. I think i'm pretty in control of it though. There's still the longstanding ones there, but I have to feel quite relaxed to let them through, I think because they've become overused or over problematic, laden with bad times i could hear them over and over whilst we were fighting. So i guess this is better a bit.