Sometimes things don't bother me in the way that you think they do, or should do. It's complicated, I guess sometimes I react exactly in the way that you think, and that's just as bad.
But the point is that I don't like it when people assume I've reacted in a way becuase they know me, adn they've got it so wrong. Sometimes I feel like it should be so obvious to people why I've reacted that way, but it doesnt seem to be. But maybe it's another way that what's going on in my head doesn't match up with what people are seeing on the outside or what i'm saying, or what I say after
I do, mostly feel like there are two distinct voices battling in my head together, though sometimes they are talking to each other, and sometimes one is just listening or whispering. Sometimes I can hear it in my ears like someone talking to me directly, or it's like I'm an observer, and I'm innacurately reporting or it's like a reconstruction. I don't know how to explain this to other people without it seeming to me, quite mad, or not fully capturing what I mean. But then, I'm sure it is quite normal to think like this, I know everyone has their internal voice and they must give characters to part of it. I just seem sometimes to struggle with getting the outside - what i say and what i do or show, to match up with what i'm feeling. It's like, sometimes I say the sentence in my head and it's fine, but when I talk it, it all melts away and becomes nonsense, or an angry approximation of what i'm trying to say. It's always easier to be angry because people tend to understand that really well, I don't seem to mess that up as much as other things, and people can react to that. it feels protective.
When i was a kid, i was very angry. my mum used to call me the kraken. but it felt like people could understand me when i was angry, and they listened. I didn't feel angry though, i felt frustrated or overwhelmed. and it seemed it didn't work when i got older and it because destructive and hurtful, people reacted differently. At points i felt like I should own it, and that I was just a bad, angry person. sometimes people would listen if i told them i was tired or overwhelmed or sad, but it meant i should feel guilty and not excused for my actions, and i had to be even more responsible for them. It became so confusing.
I've been trying to unpick all of this for a good chunk of my life, I don't know why it is so difficult or why I seem to backtrack all the time. I wish it wasn't like that, and it's felt unfair and punitive, but that i deserved it because i'm fundamentally a bad person. but i don't believe that any more - it was easier to believe yourself the monster than try to get other people to understand.