I remember arguments with my friends where you just didn't know when you would speak to them again, but I guess I always trusted that I would. It never felt so world-ending, catastrophic, it always resolvable.
But now you can see people ignoring you, it's active. It's upsetting. It reminds me of my parents not talking to each other, or that there's invisible rules to this interaction and everyone knows them apart from me. Leave them be, ignore them too, you ignore them and they'll come back to you. Be calm, be cool, be aloof (though that's a story for another day).
I find it really hard when someone hangs up on me when I'm in the middle of what I was going trying to say, even though I probably didn't know how that sentence is going to end, it feels so panic-inducing that I don't feel heard for the rest of the time
And I have always wanted to feel heard, that's at the route of everything, and sometimes I'm frustrated that it always comes down to this. I always feel like i'm arguing to feel heard.
When i get hung up on, and especially in the middle of sentence, I immediately panic, and it's not something I can control - it's like everything immediately before is erased and i just remember that part - immediate and profound panic. I don't have the ability to recall or feel comforted by the previous talk, and that is so frustrating. Sometimes I don't even remember what came before it because it gets overwritten. And I know in some circumstances I definitely can ground myself and not worry about it any more - sometimes, though rare, it feel easy to reassure myself. But that's rarer now, and I don't know why, because it feels so good when I can do that.
It's like - I try to be rational and tell myself, it's okay, she will call me tomorrow. But then I also have a lot of evidence for that not being the case, like, sometimes it has been two, three, months. And it feels like I have enough rational evidence for that to be the outcome too. I don't know which is the right one.
I think, "i need to step away from this" really should mean, "we should step away from this, but we will come back together" - I don't know how to make it feel like a we thing instead of a you or I thing. I don't know how to make that be how I think because the solidarity feels so comforting but in the moment I feel completely on my own