What makes me feel the most stressed is when Ive been misunderstood or when I have not been heard. I don't know why that is, perhaps because I feel very stressed with trying to communicate in the first place (though again, sometimes that comes easy). It's inconsistent because sometimes I feel like I can communicate how i'm feeling in a wise and calm way - but I don't know always when that is going to be.
Often too, I feel like I'm being treated unfairly or not acknowledged or like I have done something wrong and don't deserve to have feelings, or what I am feeling isn't valid, because so often in the past people have told me that my feelings are wrong or that I am expressing them the wrong way. So it feels like work, and sometimes I am tired of it too. Sometimes I want to have a day off. Or I just can't give any more effort. I hate it so much.
So we're having a fight and I don't feel like I've been heard, and then you hang up and I don't know how to cope with that, and it feels so brutal and immediate and unending. But it feels so easy after the fact or when I am full up of energy and confidence, and I can put the phone down, and leave it and give time, and it doesn't feel like time is a limited resources, it's just, a thing that happens... but often I have run out of the ability to listen or process when we get there.
I can't explain what happens in those moments, I feel so much like its a physiological panic panic panic response and I can feel my heart beating so fast and I tense up all over and I can't breathe and it feels like it's going to go on forever, and I feel crushed. I guess that is why it does feel like a punishment, because it hurts and I can't stop it. And I think that it has been a punishment before, not from you, but from caregivers, and I think that is muddled up so much that I have difficulty separating it out. I'm working on it. I have always been working on it. Sometimes it is easy, but everytime I fail, I feel like I've reset.