But it's more complicated than that. Here's another part to it.
It's like, I saw the happy, I saw the sad, and I couldn't work out what happened in between, and at the same time my emotions would go from one to the other, or sometimes nothing, so I just thought that was how it was for me, and how it was for everyone. But at the same time, I was constantly being told it was wrong, and shameful. So I thought I could control it, or control it in other people. And it just felt like a big overwhelming, inconsistent mess
When I was a teenager, more and more I was told this isn't how people are. Noone in real life gets over an argument and is sad but happy again a few minutes later. This stuff takes time.
But how was I supposed to know this, when this was all I had seen so far. I didn't know how to resolve conflict, or really , how much it was okay to be upset and how long for. I didn't know how to take care of other people's emotions. I didn't do well understanding or listening, I just sort of observed, because that's what I knew to do. I just thought of thought, well, this part will end soon and there'll be another thing. Like on TV. Like what I saw at home. But I also recognised this wasn't right because people weren't doing this and they were disappointed in me.
People told me I was overly emotional or cold. Psycho. I got that a lot later on. And I didn't think that's right that I'm cold, because I don't feel cold, and because those things they're saying I'm doing wrong are opposites, and how can I be both and I just feel like it's not fair to throw this at me. But everyone seems to be doing it. I'm always trying but it's just hard for me, and that feels so unfair. Why isn't anyone else finding this hard?
I found my late teens, early twenties really, really hard.