Well, yeah, I see what you see, I think, a confusing, contradictory, inconsistent mess. I get tripped up talking about it, putting it into words is like sitting on sand. It's like that for me too, a lot of the time, but it also makes sense to me, in the moments when it does, when it's the only thing I can see.
Here's another thing. If I don't resolve the conflict immediately, by the next time I see you I will have lost the chance forever. I think I was told a lot, you'll never see me again. And now it's there all the time. And I've said it too, when I've been angry, and I know it lives somewhere deep inside. Don't sleep on an argument, my mum and dad said, we always make up. But they didn't. Not really.
If I don't resolve it, you or friends, or someone will realise, I am not worth this.
I don't think about what my boundaries are then, in those moment of panic. lf I needed space, time to calm down or think, or rest or just have quiet. I am just focused on not letting you have it either. I feel like I don't know when you're coming back
And I bounce wildly from wanting to never see you again to being fearful - oh yeah, it's anxious, fearful, avoidant attachment
But I think there is also a part that is secure. I think I have that voice inside me and it's growing and getting stronger. Secure. Loved. Loving of myself and loving of you.
It's not excuses, it's not reasons, it's just stuff.