I don't mind it mostly. It's easy to know what they expect, often it's the same thing over and over. They want eye contact they want smile they want compliments. They want me to be a bit excited and say it'll be a lovely day. Easy, usually easy.
I don't even mind the funerals cos I don't get upset at those and I know they don't want to have to think so I can do that for them. I sometimes think I would be a good funeral director.
It's good now that I have break in between because something needs to be a buffer. Excersise is good, walking is good, but I'm struggling to fit it all in. It just takes time and I don't feel like I have it, though I have to be stricter with my schedule. It was better when I have hours out during the daytime, but I don't know how to get that again. I don't have the time for all the steps.
Out of work, talking to people feels like effort. Even little interactions in the street because I don't know how long they're going to go on for and I don't know how to leave. I don't know how much to talk when someone is walking past or if they'll stop or if not or if I'll here what they say or blurt something stupid. Or I'll have temporarily forgotten their name, or they forgot mine. When Elodie is with me they say hi to her because they remember her, but also because she says hi back.
I don't mind when your friends come over or meeting someone new but sometimes it goes on for a really long time and it's more than I can deal with, and it seems that you like me talking to them so I don't feel like you help the conversation oreave the room and that makes me feels stressed. Even though it's okay, and I'll tell you its okay, I'm feeling after that this was hard work and I don't want to do it again for a while
Sometimes I don't feel listened to and like I've done a lot of pretending, but I seem engaged and having a good time. It's not that I would say I don't want to do it. I just don't know how on terms that suits me because I don't know what they are