the first time I felt it happening and being problematic was when I was about 18 and it was the summer I came home from university. It was the name of the boy I was seeing / not seeing but it went on for a really long time, like years after. I blurted his name all the time, to myself, out loud, a lot of the times in my head, I don't think anyone was around when it was out loud. I didn't know what it was communicating - mostly distress or embarrassment or impatience, a weird blob of things I couldnt tell you specifically. Sometimes, like a swear or a sigh. But it was out loud, and it was a lot. I don't remember if it happened before this though - but I remember this a lot.
I didn't worry about it, because i put it down to stress or missing him or sadness. But it carried on for years.
Gradually, when I came here, it morphed to small sentences: I love you, I don't love you, I want to go home, I want to marry you, I want my mum. The ex boyfriend's name there too, detached from anything to do with him.
They would be in my head a lot, buzzing away in the background. Sometimes out loud, though mostly when drunk.
I used to take them all very literally. It seemed they would slip in and out of favour in my brain. Eventually I paid more attention and realised they were abstract feelings, not literal. Mostly comfort seeking. I want to go home, I want my mum. When I'm happy with myself, I love you. When I'm not, I don't.
Recently, it's been mum a lot, and out loud. I'm even thinking don't say it out loud, and then I do and it's so annoying. But it seems one out loud is worth a hundred of in my head. So ok.
But it doesn't mean I want my mum or I miss here.
Usually, I think it means, I need comfort. I need to parent myself and I'm not sure how. Sometimes i think it's communicating being proud, or my brains is just chewing over all the tasks I need to do and it makes it quiet. I don't really know the rules on that
You said the other day I say it to you, or very close like mum in one sentence and you in another. That feels very embarrassing because it looks like I see you for the comfort or you as filling a mum void. I don't know how to communicate fully that its not like that it's just the words. It's a lot of feelings bundled in, but it's not for you. Maybe I'm communicating distress. It's uncomfortable and I'm embarrassed.
so that's a thing that happens