anyway. i don't think that things that you do at home when you'e on your own really count. we all do weird stuff when we're at home on our own. In the last few months i say a lot more stuff out loud. there were times when i said a lot of stuff out loud on my own, like full conversations.
it would be helpful to me to get the thoughts out of my head. sometimes i am practicing sentences. though ultimately it is really unhelpful because i forget the good way i was going to say the things, and remember snippets that come out wrong when i say them to another person. sometimes i practices whole interactions, like improv scenes, but i just do that on my own or with the kids around, so it doesn't count. anyway i see people do this on tv so i know it's fine
of course it's fine. it's only not fine when i start to feel lonely. of course i feel lonely. but not all the time, just in sharp moments. like when we are not talking and suddenly it feels like i have to meet an obtain a whole new bunch of people and that feels entirely overwhelming and sad.
i feel lonely in those moments when i dont think i will talk to you again and i have spent a day or two not talking to another adult, and it feels claustrophobic and sad. but the same thing could happen and it would feel like a needed rest, even if we haven't talked, because i know we could. it's the perceived never-endingness that makes it feel overwhelming. even when i needed the quiet, needed the space. so i think maybe. that is why i ignore this need when we are together, and press to be with you more and more. it doesn't make sense really because it makes me feel worse, but on a surface level, i think it's the right thing to do