A difficult thing is the fear I have that something will change before I see someone again.
You asked me why that still was, and I don't have an answer.
I find this one really hard to explain and I don't know how to get it out of my head in a way that other people will understand, because no-one else seems to get it. I understand that it can sound irrational to other people. Silly and small and so easy to dismiss. But it doesn't feel like that to me sometimes.
Sure, I can see that too when I'm far away from it, but it doesn't really go away, it sort of hides, hibernates, becomes restless. Hides just where I can't see it, where I think it's gone.
I can try to explain. When I'm apart from someone for a while, I worry that things will change before I see them again. I worry that the next time that I see them that they won't love me any more or they will be angry at me. But really not all the time it's that big. Sometimes it's small like, they won't wave to me or remember a thing I told them, or want to have a conversation with me.
When I was young, my dad worked a lot of night shifts. Sometimes it would be a while seeing him because we were at school, but we could say bye to him and he would be happy and it would be normal. But the next time I saw him,he would be angry, because we'd woken him up, or more usually, he'd fallen out with my mum.
There was shouting or throwing things, and I didn't know when it started or what caused it or what had changed. Often, he would promise to do things, but then forget, or he was too tired. I felt like I had made that happen because I couldn't work out what had changed in between. Often we would come home and they weren't talking and things were horrible, and I didn't know what I did to make that happen, or what changed in between, and then we wouldn't see him, and when we did it was okay again.
When I was young, I had trouble understanding why things my friends did changed. I remember my friends where I lived would say, they'd hang out with me after school, or they'd play with me in the morning, but they didn't, or when it got to that time something had changed and I didn't know what. When I was older, I tried to hang out with people, they'd say we'll walk to the next class, but then that time came and they hadn't remembered, or didn't want to, or, more likely, I didn't know how to ask. I think this happens to everyone, but I don't know why it sat on me. It was really hard to make friends and they bullied me, so I think sometimes they did it on purpose, like one time they said we'll eat lunch in this spot, and when I got there, they threw mud on me. Actually, I think it was chocolate mousse. Other times, when I was older, we'd get drunk and I thought we all had a good time, but they'd been talking about how annoying I was, or on Monday the person I'd been talking to on Friday night decided, "they're just not a big verity fan".
When i was older too, i tried going out with a boy, well a couple, but we had a lot of arguments, lots of alcohol. So a lot of dramatic arguments, in the street, like teenagers do, or they don't, but I did. And the next day we would apologise and I'd try to make it all okay (because i didn't know how to resolve a conflict, but that's a story for another day), and he'd say yeah, yeah it's okay. But it wasn't because the next time I saw him it wasn't okay. And it happened again, and again. It mostly didn't hurt, but a couple of times it did. A silly boy I blew up my life for went to France for the summer. When he came back, he didn't love me, because of course not. But that's not what he said before he left. When I moved up here, it happened, and I felt him pulling away and I knew that something wasn't okay, but he told me it was - I guess this is a slightly different thing, but it's all rolled up in one. And silly things, like, working in jobs and my boss would say, tomorrow I'll show you this, and then tomorrow would come and it wouldn't happen, and I didn't know how to ask for it, and it just felt like something I had done had caused that to not work the way it should have, and I didn't see anyone else struggling with this.
So sometimes I know that you won't change between the times I see you. I do know it's different. I do know that none of this is what's happening here. Sometimes it has been a very long time, and almost as if nothing has changed at all, when I see you again, it is like nothing has changed before and that feels amazing. But that's not the times I worry about it becuase I can't then, I know or I am expecting it to change. It's in the small stuff and the small times, and the little things I can't control like delays or missed phonecalls or energy levels that don't match. When i'm in story mode and it all gets away from me. I think what if she has realised i'm awful, what if her friends have told her, what if she's woken up one day and realised, she's not a big verity fan. What do I do if she's broken up with me, and she hasn't told me.